Thoughts on my work

[celticdragonfly]

I've been trying to get myself ramped up to do a bunch of projects for the upcoming holiday. I've been tired out, and not getting enough of it done, and feeling very cranky about the whole thing. I finally thought through what was going on and discussed it all with selenite.

I'm making some hard decisions about some of the projects I'd planned doing. I'm realizing that I'm ending up with so many projects for others and so many with deadlines and so many things that I feel I have to do, that I'm beginning to find myself cranky that I even know how to knit and crochet and such. (Let's not even get into how I feel that it ought to translate into being good at other crafts that I am *not* any good at...)

I just hate to let people down. There's not a lot I can do for people I care about. I can't afford to go buy nice things. But I can throw my time into making things for them. And since I can't afford to do much, I then feel like I have to throw all my time into making things to make up for it. And since people tend to undervalue handmade things, and undervalue the work that goes into them - and I've had some saddening lessons in that lately - I end up feeling like I really have to throw a lot of time into it. selenite thinks I set the bar too high, I think that's why. I feel like nobody is going to value me or what I do, so I have to set it high.

(And people really have no idea the amount of work and time things take. And then there's the various abortive tries nobody ever sees - 'does this work out? Damn. No. Start over. Try again. Find a new pattern. Try again')

It's not working out. It's got me cranky and resentful. This is not how I want to work. I need to get to where I can finish the stuff I must do and then take some time to just do stuff for me, low pressure stuff, get back to where it's actually enjoyable.

I have to stop. That may mean I disappoint people. But I can't work this way.

Comments

[fadethecat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the scarf I'm doing now is in worsted wool yarn, a simple mobius strip done in a basic moss stitch. The trickiest part was crocheting a chain of sc for the base so that the center wouldn't be an ordinary chain. And I'm using...er. Two colors, with three skeins of wool total. (I want to get fancier! But I'm nervous about it, because I'm not good at this, and even with the moss stitch I get off-count sometimes and have to correct. So for now, scarves.)