AP or not AP

[celticdragonfly]

So there was a post on the Kith and Kin group talking about AP parenting. I chimed in with a yes. But now I'm thinking over it and feeling guilty. I don't think I really do "babywearing" as the AP crowd means it. I think they mean the baby in a sling all the time. And I just can't do it. I wear Jamie in a sling when we're out and about pretty frequently. But I can't do it all day, particularly not when I have to carry Maggie sometimes, changing her or feeding her and such. I have just too much back pain, I can't have him in the sling all day, and especially not when carrying other loads or needing to bend over. I have Jamie in my arms or in my lap a LOT of the time, but I can't always do it. So he ends up in his swing, or moses basket, or the little rocker/bouncer. A lot of the time he seems perfectly happy that way, but then sometimes I'll have to change Maggie and change the table cover and then grab her some food or something, and he'll start fussing - and I try to get to him as fast as I can, but I feel so guilty that I'm having to let him fuss until I get there.

I hope he grows to know how much I love him. And I hope Maggie eventually gets over the combination of the terrible twos [1] and "I resent Mama for having that other baby and being sick and not paying enough attention to me", and decides she loves me again, as well as Daddy.

Well, I nurse him, and he sleeps with me, and I do my very best.

[1] Yeah, she's 19 months. What can I say, she had to be advanced in something.

Comments

Aw Heck

[mama-hogswatch.livejournal.com]

You're doing AP.

Don't let 'em get you down.

I used to carry Muscle Boy in sling most of the time, but Jeez, I hadda put him down SOMETIME!

And you are very very busy. You're doing fine. Babies are going to cry every now and then, and you do have to care for your other children, too. You're not being a Bad Mommy because he cries through you changing another diaper, for heaven's sake.

[eleanor.livejournal.com]

I never had a baby, but I'm a parent.

Listen, there are 1000 things you can feel badly about, and there are even more things that parenting groups, books, other parents, and general people will tell you you should feel badly about. You're a parent, not a robot or a superhero or a walking psych text book. More to the point, you're a human being. As far as I've learned, the trick of parenting is to be there for the kids, let them know that they're loved, take care of them as best you can, and stay sane and whole yourself. That's the important part; leaving time for you.

BTW, nearly all of the parenting anxieties are directed at moms. You can insert your own feminist rant here, our you can give me a call and I'll be happy to rant away, with choice words to say aobut Jane Fonda, Martha, and hundreds of commercials for cleaning products.

[archangelbeth]

Attached Parenting? Right. I recently read an article about how even Dr. Sears doesn't mean the extremists in that position. (The mom in that was doing AP -- by not babywearing her independent and active and "wanna be moving myself!" kid. But feeling guilty about it.)

So you're doing it. No, you're not doing it all the time -- you can't! You have two kids! Braining one with the other because the sling slips isn't AP, right?

It's not binary, anyway. AP means paying attention to the kid (which you are clearly doing), and meeting as many needs as possible, where possible means realistically possible with another kid and doing things and your back hurting and stuff.

He'll be fine.

(Mine was in a sling a lot, but, er, I mostly carried her around and set her down when I needed to do stuff, because she was so little that I couldn't keep her in the sling because her head would tip down -- and as a preemie, she didn't have the little roll of fat to keep from choking herself when she did that, so I was paranoid.)

[spinfrog.livejournal.com]

You are most definately doing AP! Everyone has to put the kids down sometimes! My daughter absolutely hated the sling so I was just carrying her on my hip while doing stuff around the house but if she fell asleep I often put her down. I think it's more your mindset/intent - like, knowing that it is better for the kids to be held/touched than for them to be left by themselves...

The terrible twos!!! My daughter turned two in october! She wants to get her way every time! She wil yell at me and try to hit me or headbutt me! Then she'll cry! And she is becoming so good at climbing shelves and reaching ALL my highest hiding places :( maybe I'll get a safe for my more pricey stuff!!!

[celticdragonfly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I agree on the mindset. It's just there's only so much I can do. Trouble is, I feel like I OUGHT to be able to do more.

The terrible two's - I frequently remind myself "she needs to differentiate herself from me, she's growing and maturing, it's an important mental development stage..."

Maggie's getting much better at climbing, too. Terrifying.

Don't worry about it

[(Anonymous)]

Hey there ... are you the Laura Gallagher that was going to move to Texas, and then I lost your email, and now you're here and have a new baby and everything? This is Stephanie from http://www.caerdroia.org/116

Anyway, been there, done that. Discovered attachment parenting while trying to force my screaming first child to sleep in a crib. Weaned him at four months because I was clueless. Found attachment parenting and went WAY overboard with it with my second. Yes, you can go overboard with it. Life is a balancing act.

I am now very wary of AP communities, because so often it seems to turn into a "more AP than thou" kind of thing.

Attachment Parenting is a philosophy of staying connected to your child - *whatever that means*. That is going to mean different things to different families. Some AP families never use a sling. Some use pacifiers. I was not able to nurse my 3rd child, so he was on formula from week 8 (side note: oh, if you could only have seen the looks I got from people as I whipped out the bottle for my 3 month old, while I nursed my 3 year old. Priceless.) Some of my babies were in the sling lots, some little, just depending on the circumstances. Some AP moms vaccinate, some don't. Etc.

The more kids I had, the harder I found to stick close to the "AP ideal." I have four small children, I am an introvert, and I just *can't* be that connected, attached, proactive, etc. all the time. I do my best. That is all you can do. Do the best *you* can, being honest and true to yourself, in the way that works best for you and your family. At the end of the day, that's what it is all about.

When you get a chance, please email me (again) at lynx@caerdroia.org if I've got the right person, but I really think I've got the right person. And Congratulations! I *always* wanted to name a boy Jamie. Four boys and no Jamie. LOL. What a gorgeous name.

Re: Don't worry about it

[celticdragonfly.livejournal.com]

> Hey there ... are you the Laura Gallagher that was going to move
> to Texas, and then I lost your email, and now you're here and
> have a new baby and everything?

Why yes, that would be me. We are in Saginaw now.

> I am now very wary of AP communities, because so often it seems
> to turn into a "more AP than thou" kind of thing.

Yeah, there's a local AP board I chat on some, but I'm nervy about ever meeting these people - since they seem to feel that AP also means things like never disciplining a child, being vegetarians, never using meds (like say, motrin for a teething child), and apparently AP means you shouldn't use teflon. Oookayyy.

> Attachment Parenting is a philosophy of staying connected to your
> child - *whatever that means*.

Yeah, that's what I want to try to do. To meet their needs, as best I can.

>(side note: oh, if you could only have seen the looks I got
> from people as I whipped out the bottle for my 3 month old,
> while I nursed my 3 year old. Priceless.)

I bet. You'd have gotten one from me, I expect. IYDMMA, why couldn't the 3 month old nurse? Clearly you had milk.

> I have four small children, I am an introvert, and I just
> *can't* be that connected, attached, proactive, etc. all the
> time.

I worry about that - I'm an introvert, and I get tired out and feel like I don't have any more to give. How do you handle homeschooling? We want to homeschool the younger ones, and I wonder if I could DO it.

> And Congratulations! I *always* wanted to name a boy Jamie.

Thank you! Have you seen his pictures? We keep updating kids pictures at http://www.kelthaven.org/baby.