Thoughts on a phrase

[celticdragonfly]

I'm thinking today about the phrase "don't take it personally", and why it bugs me.

Nobody has actually used that phrase to me lately. But it's been used on me a lot, I dislike it, and it's gotten to the point where if I think I see it coming I get cranky and defensive.

Thinking it over, really, if someone says that, what they're basically saying is "You shouldn't have feelings, because it's inconvenient for me."

I want to find strategies and answers so I can never let that phrase get used on me again.

Comments

[fadethecat.livejournal.com]

It typically means, "I claim not to care, and therefore I am a stronger person than you, because you do." Loathsome phrase.

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

I always feel like responding, "Don't take it personally, but people that use the phrase 'don't take it personally' usually annoy me."

So far I've been good and haven't actually said it.

Another phrase that annoys me is, "not for nothin' but..."

[jazz007.livejournal.com]

The reason I use it, when I do, is because what I'm going to say is not inteneded as a comment on someone's personality, likeability, looks, or general person-ness. It usually works out to the effect of, "Please don't take this personally, because I don't say it because I don't like you, but I think this helpful bit of advice will make things go more smoothly for you." Too many people can't take constructive criticism without taking it personally, which is the reason for me using that comment with some people.

I can understand, though, not liking to hear it, especially not when it precedes something that can't really be taken any way *but* personally.

[celticdragonfly.livejournal.com]

If you're giving somebody constructive criticism about their life and how they should be, how on earth is that NOT personal? You're not describing something outside them. A comment I made on that earlier today was "me personally is the only one inside this skull."

[jazz007.livejournal.com]

It would be personal if I was trying to change them as a person, if that makes sense. Offering constructive criticism should not give someone cause to decide I don't like them as a person, which is what a lot of people do.

Case in point: our fencing club recently had to ask their treasurer to step down. He's decided it's because the VPs don't like him, which is precisely the opposite of the case. They don't like how he was failing in his duties, but as a person they really do enjoy his conversation and company. The decision to ask him to step down was not a personal one, but a professional decision necessary for the good of the club.

Does that help clarify my point? Some people take professional criticism personally, and personal criticism not at all.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

When I use that phrase it usually means, "I'm doing X, and I know it might affect you negatively, but my reasons for doing X don't actually have very much to do with you at all." For example, I ask people not to take it personally when I cannot attend parties on a Sunday because I teach all day, or when I can't stay out late on a Saturday night for the same reason. I'm not telling them that they shouldn't feel disappointed, but that there are pre-existing conditions or committments in my life that take precedence over my wish to attend their birthday party. I'm not in a position to put my livelihood at risk like that, even if it is at odd hours compared to when they earn their living. Yes, I have had people get offended about this; they took it very personally that I wasn't willing to cancel a week's work in order to spend time with them.

I suspect this is not the same context as the one you meant.

I want to find strategies and answers so I can never let that phrase get used on me again.

I don't think people always mean "You shouldn't have feelings..." when they say, "Please, don't take this personally, but...", although I agree that they often may be asking that.

I don't think there is a way to stop other people saying something to you. You might be able to get to a point where you can set some sort of boundary with how much you are willing to let your own feelings be influenced by what someone else wants you to feel, though, and then you might not feel so defensive? I'm not sure.

[msminlr.livejournal.com]

There's way too many of them for me to hazard a guess exactly which one covers it, but there's bound to be something in ozarque's Verbal Self Defense books about dealing with that phrase. Either by seeing it coming and heading it off or by responding in a fashion that is under YOUR control rather than that of the other speaker's.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

That phrase has its appropriate uses - when something is going to be said that really isn't about you as a person, but instead is about some bigger issue that in some way has something to do with you. For example, I might complain to an employee of a company I'm doing business with about the company rules that cause that employee to have to do something I don't agree with. When I'm trying to extract information from a Verizon tech support person, who has been instructed not to give out information, then my complaint is not about him personally, but about Verizon's policies, thus, my saying that he's not being helpful is something he shouldn't take personally but as a complaint with Verizon.

Unfortunately, I do find that that phrase is far more often used as a way of saying "I'm going to say something offensive about you but you shouldn't feel offended by it". My general urge when someone uses it that way around me is to say "Why not?" before they can continue.